Some people think that whatever turns them on is erotica while whatever turns on the next person may very well be pornography. Coming up with the definitive definition for either word is impossible. For our purposes, erotica is sexually explicit and arousing material that does not feature children or violent acts.

In the past, erotic material was designed primarily to arouse men. Primitive works of art include clay figures of women with exaggerated breasts and buttocks. In modern times, videos were first known as “stag films,” because they were made for men and typically shown at all-male gatherings. Until recently people assumed that women are not aroused by sexually explicit material. Men are more aroused by visual stimuli than women are, but women are aroused, though not always by the same kinds of material men find exciting.

Bookstores and video stores now have an unprecedented selection of erotica written by and for women and videos marketed to women and couples in both the entertainment and sex instruction categories. Many therapists consider these to be legitimate sex aides. And many women say such books and videos have helped them define and expand their erotic tastes. Generally, the more secure a woman is about her sexuality and within the relationship, the more likely she will be unthreatened by erotica.

EXAMPLE

“My wife, Carol, was really offended because I didn’t drop my subscription to Playboy when we got married,” said Mike. “She thought I should never want to look at another pair of breasts except hers again. Her teasing about it was good-natured with an edge.

“Then I started suggesting to her when we were in the video store that we rent an X-rated video. She was adamant about how sleazy and dirty they were until she read an article in one of her women’s magazines that said some videos were okay. Finally, she relented. We picked one from the list in the magazine article.”

Carol found she wasn’t as offended by the videos as she’d thought she would be. Nor was she as aroused as Mike was by them, but she did find them exciting and certainly did enjoy the extra enthusiasm he brought to their lovemaking after they had watched one together. For Christmas he gave her a book of erotica.

“I find the writing much more arousing than the films,” she says. “I like making my own pictures in my mind. And I’ve always been a reader. Words are exciting to me anyway. Sometimes I read out loud to Mike, an experience we both enjoy.”

If your partner is reluctant to try erotica:

• Don’t pressure her into watching videos.
• Don’t make a point of admiring the actress’ bodies. Many women compare their own bodies to those on screen and feel inferior.
• If she consents to try, choose something more to her tastes than yours. In general, women like erotica with a storyline and romance. Most women are turned off by images that are violent or degrading to women. Consider prescreening a video before you see it together.
• Give her veto power. Tell her you’ll stop watching if she feels uncomfortable.
• As a variation on the erotic theme, read out loud to each other from sexy books.

Ten of the Best Books and Videos Aimed at Women and Couples

1. The Erotic Edge: Erotica for Couples, edited by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D.
2. Herotica 2: A Collection of Women’s Erotic Fiction, edited by Susie Bright and Joani Blank (Plume, paper)
3. Tart Tales: Elegant Erotic Stories by Carolyn Banks (Carroll & Graf)
4. The Erotic Impulse: Honoring the Sensual Self, edited by David Steinberg (Jeremy Tarcher, paper)
5. Little Birds by Anais Nin (Bantam, paper)
6. “A Taste of Ambrosia,” video directed by Candida Royalle and Veronica Hart
7. “Rites of Passion,” video directed by Annie Sprinkle and Veronica Vera
8. “Sensual Escape,” video directed by Candida Royalle and Gloria Leonard
9. “Cabin Fever,” video directed by Deborah Shames
10. “The Masseuse,” video starring Hyapatia Lee